With a new season started, the Secret Trainer has infiltrated the ranks of the senior panel. Below is his first in a series of fly-on-the wall, warts and all, accounts of his experiences training like never before.
On January 10th, with Christmas barely over, we met in the clubhouse for that most dreaded time of year: ‘Pre-season’. A time when we all pay for over indulging at Christmas with two hour long sessions of laps and press ups while joe Morris sadistically screams insults at us between smokes! So, like fat broken men (no offence Og!), we chaffed our way up to the club for this years penance, but all was different! Out went joe and his ‘fitness through fear’ programme and in came the lads from MG Fitness, namely Peder, Kevin and John.
Naturally. At first, being Larriers, we looked at them with pure skepticism. Who were these ‘blow-ins’ with their new methods and toned physiques, telling me you can’t have 9 pints of porter on a Friday and recover in time for a junior game on Sunday? But pretty soon we discovered these boys were the real deal. That Sunday we were given an eye opening nutritional chat and a barrage of testing which made us realise we weren’t the finely tuned athletes we thought we were. Every conceivable test and probe which could gauge our fitness was done including our body fat percentages, jump, sprint, stamina, core, mobility, weight and so on and the results were alarming.
It turns out David Farrelly(19.2%) was still struggling to lose the baby weight from carrying max, Danny Webster(18%) only seems to have come home because Australia ran outta food, Christmas in the Annesley with Eddie walker wasn’t a good idea for Ger O’Meara(17.4) and Brads (19%) is nearly fluent in Italian from being in Macaris that often over Christmas! So shamed and disgusted we were sent on a ‘carb’-less diet for two weeks to try stave out our oncoming gout!
That Wednesday the real work began. At 5.45am in an underground car park at the Irish strength institute, like a scene outta fight club, we went about remoulding our broken physiques. For the next hour we were put through some of the hardest training this team has ever done and we haven’t looked back since. From tractor tyre flipping, to pushing weighted prowlers to rope slams, no form of medieval torture was left undone. By the time that hour was over there was bodies and vomit strewn everywhere. The sound of Collie Farrelly puking like a bulimic after an all you can eat was echoing around the car park. However the hard work has continued like that for the last month, and with each session we’re getting both physically and mentally fitter, and only Collie is still puking!
After two weeks we were retested and the results speak for themselves. In the first two weeks alone we collectively lost 210lbs, an average of 7lbs each. That’s the equivalent of 162 pints, or 3810 packets of King crisps or Keith Horgan, who we’ve been trying to lose for years! Dave Farrelly has gone from morbidly obese to just clinically obese, Paul McLaughlin has lost the equivalent of a dwarf, and Liam Ryan has lost nearly 5% body fat. He hasn’t been this trim since his forties! Even Baldy who’s turned up at the wrong time or day 3 times so far, has lost a few pounds, although word has it the miser has been checking the back of the couch for it ever since! Even our sprinting has gotten better with everyone adding on average over 5metres to their 30 second sprint.
It’s safe to say that after a months training the MG Fitness, lads have transformed us from an ageing group of has-beens to an enthusiastically lean bunch of has-beens! To a man, we’re stronger, faster, leaner and more knowledgable about nutrition and for that, we can only thank them. They’ve even managed to get notorious pre season dodgers like the Morrises and Cartons to come out training, which is saying something! With the new season only around the corner, we’re in a better position than we have been in years to go back where we belong, county champions and division 1 in both codes.
Over the past few weeks, I asked some of my esteemed colleagues for their thoughts onMG Fitness. Here is what they had to say:
“5 out of 5
Before I came down here I was only weeks away from type 2 diabetes, now I can see my feet, thanks guys!”
5 out of 5
“The lads are brilliant but I can’t justify the €2 a week.”
“I super happy lucky tank to man, Domo arigato”
Reviews are **** *******, **** off.
The secret trainer